Hear me out…
Vanderbilt nurse-midwifery students are strongly encouraged to attend the ACNM (American College of Nurse-Midwives) Annual Meeting, which will be held in Chicago this year. Because this is optional we have to pay for it ourselves and some of the more industrious students have fundraised by selling felt vulvas, which are amazing, but far beyond the reach of my creativity. Whilst hiking with one of my colleagues, the topic of bowel movements came up. When you spend all day talking about vaginas and looking at cervixes, nothing is really off limits. We were sharing the stories our of most memorable twosies when, bam! I was hit by a stroke of genius.
What if I interviewed my friends and colleagues about their most distinguished bowel movements and then compiled them into a book of short stories? It would be perfectly sized for the back of a toilet and each entry expertly written to be enjoyed during one’s morning constitution.
Guys, it’s a book about poop to read while you’re pooping. Who wouldn’t want that?
After strongly considering dropping out of school to pursue this goldmine of a business venture, I decided I could probably do both. The working title for this project is Chicken Poop for the Soul because I received a cease and desist letter from Walt Disney when I floated the idea of Winnie the Poop by my social network.
I’m now accepting submissions so don’t miss your chance to be a part of this groundbreaking opportunity. Chicken Poop for the Soul will revolutionize your bathroom experience much like the Squatty Potty has. Your participation and/or purchase will help send a student midwife to an expensive conference she has been asked/bullied into attending.
Now as a reward, and because I’m deeply committed to dropping knowledge, among other things (see what I did there?) please enjoy this pictorial representation of the medically-recognized categories of feces. Poop on, Wayne.*
*NBC has asked me to refrain from using this phrase, but I say come at me, bro.
Submissions accepted at email@example.com